WASHINGTON – Flanked by officials from the United Elf Toytinkerers union, SantaCorp CEO Kris Kringle today told the House Ways and Means Committee that without immediate government financial help, his firm would be forced to declare bankruptcy, lay off thousands of elves and reindeer, and potentially cancel its annual worldwide Christmas Eve toy delivery.
House Ways and Means committee chairman Charles Rangel (D-New York) motioned to end the hearings, saying that with only 7 bailout shopping days before Christmas the committee needed to move on to other industries facing emergency financial crises.
“The American economy and Christmas itself stand on the edge of disaster, It’s time for my colleagues show we are good boys and girls,” said Rangel, who is reported to have received over $6 million in campaign contributions from SantaCorp and the UET over the last two years.
A full House vote on the SantaCorp is scheduled Friday morning, where it is expected to pass by a comfortable margin. President Bush has pledged to sign any and all bailout request from Congress until the end of his term, “no queshnions ast.”
“I want to insurer the American People and the evil doers that I and the Crongress and the Hankster [Treasury Sec. Paulsen] and Big Ben [possibly Fed Chair Bernanke] and [unintelligible] and me are unineted together to approve the financial aid and regulations and federal takeovers to get our American free ennerpise system back on track,” said the President, speaking from inside his new shoe-proof plexiglas enclosure.
In concluding the hearings, Rangel gave the SantaCorp officials a personal vote of confidence.
“We believe in you, Santa,” said Rangel, handing Kringle what appeared to be a list. “As long as you continue to believe in us.”
What Iowahawk fails to mention is that SantaCorp had this labor agreement thrust upon them in the wake of the Wonka Oompa-Loompa Scandal of 1980. By whom? Congress.